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newsletter #31 -- the new champ

Hey Everyone,

Fast-food champions are different than the rest of us.

Yes, they?re mortal human beings. Yes, they put their pants on one leg at a time. But, they?re different because they don?t live their lives the same way the average fast-food patron does.

Case in point is b.good?s original champ, Mike Shreve, the house-ground burger naming prodigy who masterminded the ?Cousin Oliver? nearly 3 years ago

Like all champions, Mike doesn?t live his life like the average customer. And a couple of weeks ago, The Boston Herald reminded us of that.

Ordinary customers don?t wear a b.good hat to college football tailgates and chug magnums of Chardonay while the media snaps incriminating pictures.

Only champions do.

And that?s why we honor, admire, and give them mass quantities of our food for free. (By the way, thanks for the press Michael. You?ve made us all proud with your ability to get completely drunk.)

So, today, we?re really happy because we get to announce another champion. Today, we officially induct another special human into our elite society of fast-food warriors.

In our 3rd annual garlicky-greens eating contest, our newest champion, Popeye (a.k.a. Gretchen Salyer), showed that she?s a lot different than our average burger-eating patron (by ?different? we mean she was born without a gag reflex in her esophagus).

In the championship, Popeye dominated all challengers (even the heavily favored, twinkie-killer, Anti Antioxidant), embarrassed the reigning champ, and overcame the natural human instinct to vomit from overdosing on a saut?ed vegetable to swallow a new world record of 2.74 lbs. (Yes, she even shamed that evil, 4?10? spinach glutton?s record of 2.5 lbs.)

It was a performance you had to see to believe. So, we made this video to show the world what being a champion is all about and to show everyone that the greatest garlicky-greens eater on Earth is one of our own.

Since the coronation of a champion is grounds for celebration, we?re baking fries for our entire family all day long tomorrow.

Just print out this newsletter, come by Back Bay or Harvard Square anytime tomorrow (Friday, December 1st), and help us usher our newest champion?s passage into greatness by eating free, hand-cut real fries.

And when you come to pay tribute to the champ, please bring this newsletter with you. No copies or forwards allowed. Violators are not only subject to being forced to pay for their fries, but also ? and much worse ? they?re subject to Jozias, the skinniest burger hand-packer in b.good history. Clearly, Jozias isn?t going to overpower any of the criminals. But, he?s fast, quick, and lonely (he?s been searching for a loving companion for a long time now). A lean, desperate, young man with quick hands and no one to love can do some very hurtful things. And that?s precisely what he?ll be instructed to do tomorrow to any of the evil-doers who try to exploit the love we have for family.

As always, if you know anyone who dreams of someday being a champion or anyone else who just wants to be loved like family, forward this and tell them to join ours at www.bgood.com.

Anthony & Jon

P.S. Maybe someone in Hollywood told him that our most popular burger bore his name. Maybe he saw the Herald photo of the b.good champion who named a burger after him chugging a magnum of wine. Maybe he was just hungry. Whatever it was, the real Cousin Oliver (a.k.a. child television superstar, Robbie Rist) came into b.good last week. While we like to think we?ve done some good stuff as a business, it doesn?t get any better than serving a ?cousin oliver? to the very man to whom that burger is dedicated. To prove this wasn?t just another one of our perverse fast-food fantasies, we took this picture of our beloved Cousin Oliver eating the house-ground, hand-packed burger that he inspired.

P.P.S. The holiday season is upon us. And that?s a good thing for you, sweet family member, because right now we?re shopping for your gifts. Yes, it?s going to be the weirdest holiday present you?ve ever gotten from a fast-food restaurant, but it?ll be filled with love (just like our burgers). So, make sure you?re checking your email from us before the holidays get here.