For over a decade, we've heard Uncle Faris' sayings a million times. But, while they've always made us feel happy, we've never had a clue what he was talking about.
We've posted Uncle Faris' sayings and some of his cryptic translations here with the hope that someone else will be able to derive inspiration from his words of wisdom or at least, feel happy.
Below are his translations for some of those sayings we grew up on
Translation – “I was watching satellite tv one night from Lebanon and a belly dancer came out who was named ‘Banuda’ and she was from the Audua which is a region in Lebanon. Boy, could she dance. I always remembered her so now I just like to say it over and over.”
Translation - "Again, it's something I saw on tv and Sammy was some character. It means go along with the flow. Also, and please don't write this, but Sammy Kay also happens to be my famous barber in Avon. If you mention his name on the Internet though, he'll have you taken care of. So, don't write it."
Translation – “You can’t fight politicians. You can’t beat city hall. You can’t fight the government. City hall is politics and they got too much power. Finneran is a $%*( @%^&!! in there but he gets away with it.”
Translation - "It's a comment I picked up one day watching some movie on tv. The woman who limps was a karate expert and ooh was she good. The woman who limps is dangerous and deadly."
Translation – “Live… it means live. Why are you asking me what it means. You’re a college guy, you figure it out.”
Translation – “Be good… it means what it means. That's all I can think of right now. I'm exhausted. By the way, don't put any of what I said today on that Internet."
And here’s some advice that we had to translate ourselves.
Do whatever it is you want to do because before you know it, it will be too late. This includes repeating sayings over and over again until it drives everyone around you crazy or singing songs at the top of your lungs for no reason.
This is the good life. We should all aspire to this ideal.
Uncle Faris has never been married and often repeats this to remind himself of why he has such freedom.
This means hit them high, hit them low and if they still don't go down hit them where you know it will drop them.
These are some of his nonsensical sayings with our own attempts at translation.
Our friend Ben had a girlfriend named Betsy who Faris took a shine to. We don’t know this Ike guy though.
- these last three are supposedly phrases Faris picked up while in the Army in Korea. We think they’re curses but no Korean person has yet been able to decipher them.
Weather Reports – Faris both loves and hates Mother Nature, depending on how it affects his plans for the day. Here’s some common weather assessments that we’ve been able to decipher:
This means it’s raining hard, as if you were in the land of Ranchipur, wherever that is.
This means it’s raining lightly. Thus, any precipitation is viewed the same by Uncle Faris. It all means that he stays inside and does not drive the car.
This means that it’s as hot as a desert outside so he has to turn the A/C down to 50 degrees.
This means it’s so cold he wants to move to Borneo where it’s always warm. So far he has not followed up on this threat.
Songs – filler for any awkward silence. No translations available.
‘You work and work for years and years, you’re always on the go.
Never take a minute off, too busy making dough
You always said you’d have your fun when you’re a millionare.
Imagine all the fun you’ll have in your old rockin’ chair.’
‘Down to the barroom (your name here) staggered
He fell down by the door.
And the very last words that he uttered:
‘Oh, I’ll never love blue eyes no more’.”
‘Here comes (insert name here) up the field and his back is made of steel.’
“(Insert female name here) wore an old grey bonnet
with that blue ribbon on it
and she was the finest lady
at the Easter Parade’
Nicknames for “The Boys”
Uncle Faris is THE Godfather. b.bood is a front for Faris' real operation as Boss of south suburbs.
He never does what Faris asks, so he’s been given an outlaw name, like Billy the Kid but instead of Mikey he used Makuda? We don’t know.
He can get the TV remote working after Faris messes it up.
He is the youngest and so can do no wrong in Faris’ eyes.
Jon once drank two beers at a high school party and was completely trashed. When he got back to Anthony's house, Uncle Faris was up to deal with the drunk. From that point on, Jon was always referred to as "Two Beers".
Faris still keeps a box in the cupboard just in case Clark moves back from Colorado.
Faris has “no use” for George, yet still prank calls him three times a week.
Faris' arch-nemesis... and best friend.
Faris was struck by lightning and developed an obsession with Ben Franklin.
Ryan’s family reminds Faris of Tackleberry’s in-laws from Police Academy 2.
Faris just can’t pronounce Keala’s name.
Faris’ fat, spoiled, old bulldog that he feeds steak tips for dinner almost every night.
Imaginary friend and companion to Uncle Faris for over forty years. She was replaced by dog Mookie in 1998
These are some of Uncle Faris’ insults – never to be taken too personally.
Shaky Shalhoub has pissed off Uncle Faris again.
That girl who just dumped you was no good so get over it.
That guy must be pretty dumb.
Faris loves Manny Ramirez but can’t remember his name correctly
